"Blame it on gravity, yeah;
Blame it on being a girl."
Blame it on being a girl."
I've been far too in and out this week. Things that shouldn't be bothering me are. Things that should have been bothering me all along aren't. Things that normally cheer me up depressed me. Things that normally ruined my day made it. The over riding feeling, though, is how can I let myself be depressed over these things that are so frivolous when compared to so many other people's problems.
A friend of a friend was beaten to the point of hospitalization by his father several weeks back. People are starving to death in Africa. People are starving to death in America. And, what? I'm sad because I don't have a girl I can hold hands with? But the fact is, I haven't been dwelling on any of it. I've been trying to avoid or improve upon the things that've been sending me into throws of depression. I don't hop online to seek consolation from friends who are tired of hearing me whine when I already know what I have to do. I put on music to listen to or I go for a walk or I own up to my own responsibilities and move on. Not dwelling on it and acting like an attention starved puppy has certainly made my life much more enjoyable, but it's opened me up to an idea I really don't want to approach: there are significant portions of time where the idea of me being happy simply seems impossible despite how petty my problems may seem when I'm back to being rational.
And that's when I end up getting my mind into trouble. That's when I ask myself the big question...
A friend of a friend was beaten to the point of hospitalization by his father several weeks back. People are starving to death in Africa. People are starving to death in America. And, what? I'm sad because I don't have a girl I can hold hands with? But the fact is, I haven't been dwelling on any of it. I've been trying to avoid or improve upon the things that've been sending me into throws of depression. I don't hop online to seek consolation from friends who are tired of hearing me whine when I already know what I have to do. I put on music to listen to or I go for a walk or I own up to my own responsibilities and move on. Not dwelling on it and acting like an attention starved puppy has certainly made my life much more enjoyable, but it's opened me up to an idea I really don't want to approach: there are significant portions of time where the idea of me being happy simply seems impossible despite how petty my problems may seem when I'm back to being rational.
And that's when I end up getting my mind into trouble. That's when I ask myself the big question...
"Who cares if other people's problems really are worse than yours?
Who cares if the solution to your problems are obvious in other peoples eyes?
This is your Achilles Tendon. This is the one thing you don't know how to prepare for.
How to practice for. How to even go about doing.
When faced with money problems, you cut down costs and earn more money.
When faced with school problems you study harder and work harder.
If you can't get yourself food or shelter or clothes, you own up whatever pride you may have and find someone who can provide them to you.
You don't have any these problems, but even if you did you'd know how to deal with them.
Just like everyone else in the world, your worst problem is the one you never learned to deal with in the begining.
More over, it's your worst problem.
So next time a friend doesn't want to hear about how this petty little thing is bothering you a lot deep down, maybe you shouldn't have to hear next time they're upset because everyone doesn't like them even though they've been bitching behind their backs about them for the past month.
Next time, maybe you shouldn't have to explain to some person that the reason another won't talk to her anymore is because what she did really did irreversibly ruin what they had.
Next time, maybe you shouldn't have to deal with any of them saying 'I don't trust that anyone cares about me, not even you' when you were the only person to hear them out, to listen to their problems, to not be cynical and hard about showing them the solution when you knew they needed a guiding hand and not a hard push out into a world they've only heard people talk about.
Next time, maybe you'll say 'I shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad when I'm already this confused about this god damned problem.'"
Who cares if the solution to your problems are obvious in other peoples eyes?
This is your Achilles Tendon. This is the one thing you don't know how to prepare for.
How to practice for. How to even go about doing.
When faced with money problems, you cut down costs and earn more money.
When faced with school problems you study harder and work harder.
If you can't get yourself food or shelter or clothes, you own up whatever pride you may have and find someone who can provide them to you.
You don't have any these problems, but even if you did you'd know how to deal with them.
Just like everyone else in the world, your worst problem is the one you never learned to deal with in the begining.
More over, it's your worst problem.
So next time a friend doesn't want to hear about how this petty little thing is bothering you a lot deep down, maybe you shouldn't have to hear next time they're upset because everyone doesn't like them even though they've been bitching behind their backs about them for the past month.
Next time, maybe you shouldn't have to explain to some person that the reason another won't talk to her anymore is because what she did really did irreversibly ruin what they had.
Next time, maybe you shouldn't have to deal with any of them saying 'I don't trust that anyone cares about me, not even you' when you were the only person to hear them out, to listen to their problems, to not be cynical and hard about showing them the solution when you knew they needed a guiding hand and not a hard push out into a world they've only heard people talk about.
Next time, maybe you'll say 'I shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad when I'm already this confused about this god damned problem.'"
This part of me is an ass. He's a gigantic, angry ass, but he's still right about one thing: deep down I'm very unhappy about something, and, whether or not it's a mountain or a mole hill, it can't just be written off. I shouldn't whine about it by any means, but the solution isn't just to yell at me "just get over yourself and go do it." If you were attempting to do high level physics with only a rudimentary understanding of Algebra, I wouldn't just tell you to go learn physics. I don't have the tools to get over this even if I am scrambling to find some. I don't expect anyone to just hand me the answer, after all this isn't something you can teach. This isn't something with a trial and error way of solving. This isn't like math and science where it's a matter of easy logical concepts. This isn't like learning to draw or paint where it's simply a new page or another layer of paint away from trying again. This is damned hard, and I have every right to be upset about it from time to time.
I mean, Jesus, I'm lonely.
I mean, Jesus, I'm lonely.
